Personal;

I’m a mess okay. A total mess. My life fucking blows as it is. Not I have no home. No school. No appointments. We have nothing. Literally nothing. If I got a gender therapist/doctor we have no way to get there. I’m not blaming anything on you by the way. In just talking. You always say you want me to talk. I am a fucking wreck. I want to cut. I want to punch shit. I want to scream. I want to cry. I just hate everything right now. I really fucking do. Literally the only thing I can think of right now is to die. That would be better than to deal with everything I am dealing with. I am constantly worried about my mom and my gram and my dad and my aunt pat. Always. And you. And my brother. I am always worried about them all. I think of how we are all getting older and I couldn’t ever handle losing one of them ever. I know it is part of life but I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be around to watch everyone I love die. I can’t do it. It’s just too much. It is something I think about every day. I put so much stress on everyone and I’m so done with it. I can’t handle it. I hate myself. I’m not who I want to be. I’m scared to transition because I don’t want my gram to disown me. I am constantly thinking about my Pop and Uncle Marc and how I want to hug them so bad. I am just a fucking wreck. I hate myself so much lately. I try so hard to hold everything in but I fucking can’t right now. I have no fucking clue what I am going to do with everything. I don’t want to burden anyone. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. Literally scared. I don’t know at all. Sigh. I don’t know. I just want to be happy. I constantly worry about my mom and how she’s doing. I miss seeing her and hugging her every night before I go to bed. That is one thing I miss the most. I constantly do. I miss being younger and spending weekends at my Gram’s with her. I miss everything. I miss my dad. I hate myself do much. That’s really the end result of everything is how much I hate myself.